Interrogation has a bad rap, and that's unfair, because interrogation is not in itself sinister or violent. Interrogation isn't about torture, or whacking people with telephone directories, or shining bright lights in their eyes, or leaning over suspects in an intimidating manner. Yes, of course, you want to do several or all of these things to the liar you love-but wait up! Interrogation is simply the art of asking questions. While asking questions comes as naturally to us as breathing, the art of asking questions involves a step further: Interrogation is the strategy of asking questions. That means you have to separate interrogation from the way you naturally ask questions, because naturally asking questions won't work against pathological liars. Asking questions without an informed strategy makes you predictable and uncreative-in other words, liar bait. Here are some basic tips to become an effective interrogator--a skill we all need at one time or another. And if you live with a pathological liar or a serial adulterer, you need it all the time. First, lose the emotion. You have to separate the emotional satisfaction of an immediate confrontation from the cunning, stealthy approach needed to reach the truth. Okay, you've been waiting up for your wayward spouse and it's 3 a.m. when you hear the key in the door. If you want to get your rocks off, got ahead. But you can't do both. You can't have that deeply satisfying, wronged-victim rant, and at the same time get to the truth. Liars like their questioners emotional. Emotional people are stuck in the present and don't think beyond the moment. If you're mad as hell, you're not capable of thinking strategically. When it comes to interrogation, fighting mad is like fighting with one hand tied behind your back. Second, choose the time and place of your interrogation with care. Most people don't even think about making this choice-they dive straight in! Choose a time when you're both sober. You should allow time for your initial emotional reaction to recede and to get beyond your first take on the situation.  Pick a time when the liar has no excuse to cut the session short. Establish this beforehand, so that he can't suddenly remember an appointment just when you've opened a crack in his façade.
Pick a place where you won't be interrupted. Liars love distractions. "Sure, honey," the liar volunteers when your toddler enters the room. "Daddy'll get some milk for you." (And watch out for the dog, too. Most liars can get the pet barking/retrieving balls/etc. at will). This distraction gives the liar an opportunity to break off, think up a good answer to the question you've just asked, or maybe even skip it altogether. "Where were we? Okay, I remember. You know, it's funny you should ask about…" And you don't want other people around who are going to inhibit you from bringing up certain topics. Especially if the liar is a yeller. The presence of friends or family in the next room or out on the patio may make you to pull your punches (but when the issue is the liar's abusing drugs or alcohol, the presence of friends and family is the way to go-an issue I'll deal with in a later Tip-Off). It's important to pick a time of your own choosing so that you're not rushed into a confrontation with insufficient resources. You don't want to go off half-cocked. Make sure you have all the information you can get before you take the liar on, because you need all the leverage you can get. Third, never reveal how much you know. From the liar's point of view, the most difficult thing is making his story fit with what you know, and if he doesn't know how much you know, he doesn't know how much to lie about. Keep him in the dark-it makes him vulnerable. Remember that the questions you ask and the way you ask them can tip him off to what you know and what you don't know. If you have to ask a question about something, that indicates an area of uncertainty. So confuse him by mixing in questions that you already know the answer to. Never give a liar an even break. All things being equal, on their home turf, they're better at this than you are. Once you uncover an inconsistency, go after it hard. Relentlessly. Don't let him change the subject. Tell him explicitly you're not willing to change the subject "Hey what is this? The fifth degree?" "We're talking about where you went last night." "I don't have to explain anything to you." "Yes you do." "Oh yeah?" "I'm your wife/husband/father//boyfriend/mother/etc., and you owe me the truth." There can be no argument about this. Everybody in a relationship has a right to the truth. That's what being in a relationship means. Fourth, keep your goals modest. Only very rarely do the police reach a point where the suspect confesses. TV and movies have to end with a confession for dramatic purposes-they need a neat ending-not because they depict reality. So even if you conduct a first-rate interrogation, don't expect the liar you love to break down in a blubbering confession. The strategy of interrogation is to knock the liar loose. To stress him and make him vulnerable, so that he starts leaking the signs that I've laid out in the previous Liar Tip-Offs. | 
